Two children, LUCY (12) and WILLIAM (7) stand watching as DAVE shaves in the bathroom mirror.

LUCY points.

LUCY:

Missed a bit dad. …On your neck.

WILLIAM:

On your neck dad.

LUCY:

WILLIAM, dad knows. ….What are you doing in here? We don’t need your help.

WILLIAM:

Shut up LUCY. I want to help too.

DAVE:

Don’t start you two. LUCY leave WILLIAM alone. He just wants to be involved.

LUCY exits frowning at WILLIAM.

LUCY:

Fine.

CUT TO:

WILLIAM smirking.

CUT TO:

DAVE rinsing his face.

DAVE:

Towel WILLIE please.

CUT TO:

DAVE is trying on shirts. Some have buttons missing. Others are a bit too small.

CUT TO:

DAVE now in trousers and shirt is trying on ties. LUCY watches and offers advice. She shakes her head as DAVE holds up each tie. WILLIAM is throwing himself repeatedly onto the bed.

DAVE holds a tie up.

DAVE:

This one?

LUCY shakes her head.

LUCY:

Doesn’t go…...

She turns to WILLIAM.

LUCY:

WILLIAM …..will you stop!

CUT TO:

WILLIAM holding up two fingers.

LUCY:

Dad! …He’s putting the Vs up.

DAVE:

WILLIAM! …Stop.

[THEN TO LUCY]

. …..this one?

LUCY nods.

CUT TO:

DAVE begins to put the tie on. In the background WILLIAM continues to bounce on the bed. He glares at LUCY.

CUT TO:

WILLIAM and LUCY fighting to get out of the bedroom door. WILLIAM wins and heads off downstairs at a run

CUT TO:

4.INT.HALL.SAME TIME.

WILLIAM picks up the phone.

WILLIAM:

Hello? …..uh huh…..my dad? …….I’m WILLIAM. …Who are you?……

Fine, …fine,

I’ll just get him. ……

CUT TO:

DAVE coming downstairs to get the phone.

DAVE holds out his hand.

DAVE:

Thanks WILLIE, I’ve got it.

WILLIAM still holds the phone. He continues.

WILLIAM:

Do you love my dad? ………Are you his girlfriend?

CUT TO:

DAVE frantically trying to claim the phone.

DAVE:

Hello? ….Sorry about that. ……late? ….Er yeah, Ok that’s fine. I’ll see you then. Bye.

CUT TO:

WILLIAM and LUCY watching him.

LUCY:

Still going out?

DAVE looks at his watch and frowns.

DAVE:

When Fiona gets here I’ll be off.

CUT TO:

DAVE dressed in a suit, aged around 30 picks up his phone and looks at the dialling pad. He hesitates then begins dialling. He stops, puts the phone down and thrusts his hands into his pockets. Stands staring at the phone. He puts his head back and squeezes his eyes shut.

CUT TO:

DAVE in suit, hurries along the road. He carries a bunch of Tulips. He looks at his watch and grimaces. As he turns a corner he bumps into a passer by. He tries to pass them but they move into his path and back again. Finally he stands still and indicates which side they should pass him.

Suddenly he stops and feels in his back pocket. Relieved, he carries on. As he passes a shop window he stops and checks his hair and appearance before speeding off again.

CUT TO:

KATE and SUE both aged around 30 sit at a window table drinking wine. They are talking as they watch the street.

KATE:

What time is it?

SUE:

Almost 7.30.. Nervous?

KATE:

Bit. He sounded ok but you never know. Could be an axe murderer.

SUE:

No. They vet them very carefully don’t they?.

Ooh! Look there! Is that him? He’s quite nice really. Only one head.

KATE:

Oh God.

CUT TO:

DAVE walks across the street toward the restaurant. His progress is casual and measured. Suddenly a car sweeps round the corner and he is forced to run for his life. The car sound its horn and the driver sticks the V sign up as he sweeps by.

CUT TO:

KATE and SUE exchange looks and begin to giggle.

KATE:

Could be….Dark Hair. Tall. …..Lonely and desperate!! [THEY LAUGH AGAIN]

SUE:

Come on then drink up.

KATE:

I’m not sure now er …..it’s really tacky isn’t it. Dating agency and all. ….What if he doesn’t like me? What if he thinks I’m boring? What if ….…..

SUE:

Just play it cool. Don’t think of anything other than enjoying yourself.

KATE:

Oh God.

SUE:

He’ll fancy you. That should be enough for starters shouldn’t it? Then ….reel him in and make him dance to your tune.

KATE:

I don’t know. You seem to be able to operate like that but you’ve had loads of practice. ….no offence of course.

SUE:

None taken. Go on just get out there.

CUT TO

DAVE paces up and down near the restaurant. He constantly fiddles with his tie, checks for his wallet and looks at his watch.

A striking woman around 30 approaches along the street. DAV tries keeps looking as she approaches. She glares at him and crosses the road. He checks his watch theatrically to indicate to her he is waiting for someone and is not a perv.

The restaurant door opens and KATE steps out. She turns and approaches DAVE. He looks hopefully in her direction. She smiles tentatively.

KATE:

Are you Dave?

DAVE:

KATE?

She nods, smiling.

DAVE:

Howd’you know it was me?

KATE:

Oh …call it woman’s intuition. …..that, the time, the location and …the flowers.

DAVE:

Thanks for coming. …..I mean, you know. Showing up.

KATE:

Why wouldn’t I? It is what the agency insists on! It’s a dating agency right?

DAVE:

[LAUGHS]

I’ve never done this before. I didn’t really know what to expect. What do you fancy? Drink?

KATE:

Sure. What about up this way?

CUT TO:

Both entering a small lane.

CUT TO:

11.INT.VERY BUSY PUB.EVENING

Dave leans on the bar waiting for his turn. KATE is sitting at a table in the corner. After a couple of abortive attempts he catches the young barmaid’s eye.

DAVE:

At last!

BARMAID:

What d’you mean?

DAVE:

At last. I …er can get served.

BARMAID:

Are you being smart?

DAVE:

Er, …no. I…er mean it’s very busy in here tonight.

The BARMAID looks at him as if he is going to be trouble.

BARMAID:

D’You want to speak to the manager or something?

DAVE:

No. I just want to order.

BARMAID:

‘Cos you’re talking to her. D’you want to complain?

DAVE:

Just a Guinness please …..and a spritzer.

The BARMAID delivers a withering look and begins to pour the drinks.

DAVE turns to look across at where KATE is sitting. She smiles at him and mouths something he can’t understand. He leaves the bar and approaches her table. HE IS STILL CARRYING THE FLOWERS HE BROUGHT

KATE:

Do you want me to hold your flowers? You just look a little odd up at the bar with those in your hand.

DAVE:

Oh God. Sorry, I forgot all about these.

[LAUGHS AND HANDS THEM TO HER]

…er ….they’re for you after all.

KATE:

They’re lovely. … the way the stems bend so sharply at rightangles.

DAVE:

Yes….They’re of the genus ‘Toomuch squeezus’

KATE laughs as DAVE returns to the bar for the drinks. As he reaches across to pay he drops his money on the floor. Quickly he stoops to pick it up but bangs his head on the bar top. He rubs his forehead surreptitiously hoping no-one has seen.

CUT TO:

BARMAID Laughing.

CUT TO:

KATE smiling.

DAVE carries the drinks back to the table. He places the pint of Guinness in front of KATE and the spritzer in front of his seat then sits down.

CUT TO:

She looks quizzically at the pint of Guinness.

DAVE:

You said Guinness didn’t you?

KATE:

Er …..yes. That’s fine thanks.

She smiles as she picks up the pint although seeming unused to drinking pints of anything.

DAVE:

Here’s to us. ….

CUT TO:

KATE puts down the glass. She has a very obvious froth mark on her upper lip. DAVE points to her lip and makes a wiping motion with his hand. She laughs and gets a tissue from her bag and wipes the froth off.

DAVE:

The agency didn’t say anything about a moustache.

KATE:

[Laughing]

They didn’t tell me I’d be drinking PINTS either.

DAVE is horror stricken as he realises his gaff.

DAVE:

Oh God! I’m sorry. I just didn’t think.

Let me get you a smaller glass.

DAVE reaches across quickly to retrieve the pint.

CUT TO:

KATE’s face in shock as the cold beer pours into her lap. She leaps to her feet with a gasp.

DAVE:

Oh! God ….KATE, ….I’m so sorry

He dabs ineffectually at her skirt.

CUT TO:

KATE stares down at the dabbing hand. She knocks it away and slowly looks directly at him. Then she looks around the hushed pub.

KATE:

[SHRILL]

Don’t!! ….

[THEN FORCIBLY CALM]

Please don’t do that. …I have to ………. Please don’t bother trying to help. I’ll get a taxi.

DAVE:

Look …I’m so sorry KATE. What can I do to ….

KATE:

(SHRILL AGAIN)

Nothing!!! …nothing, ….Goodnight.

KATE exits through smirking men and open-mouthed women customers.

CUT TO:

BARMAID’s GLOATING FACE

CUT TO:

MIKE picks up the phone and dials. He stops before the last digit and puts the phone down.

CUT TO:

DAVE pushes a trolley, there are two children with him. LUCY aged about 12 and WILLIAM around 7.

CUT TO:

KATE also in the supermarket accompanied by a girl CHLOE around 7 years of age. She also is pushing a trolley. She stops to look at an item. Unseen by her DAVE and the kids cross the aisle ahead of her.

KATE picks up the item and continues up the aisle. Meanwhile, DAVE and family come down the adjacent aisle.

CUT TO:

POV SECURITY CAMERA

We see them adjacent but either side of an aisle shelf.

CUT TO:

WILLIAM running ahead. He stops and shouts

WILLIAM:

Dad. Dad! Look, there’s the cake you like.

CUT TO:

DAVE and LUCY exchanging knowing looks.

LUCY:

William, you’re a greedy little pig. You know you’re just after some for yourself.

DAVE:

Never mind Lucy, I won’t fall for that old trick.

CUT TO:

A badly harassed WOMAN with a child in the trolley [about 3 yrs old] and one holding onto the trolley side [about 5 yrs old]. The trolley is full to the brim.

WOMAN:

[TO CHILD IN TROLLEY WHO IS CRYING]:

Oh Joshy, please stop crying. Mummy’s got a headache. You can have a drink when we’ve finished in here. We won’t be long baby. ….

[THEN ADDRESSES OTHER CHILD WHO IS ALSO CRYING]

…Tom, behave. I’m going to send you to boarding school.

Both children howl louder still.

DAVE smiles at LUCY then speaks to WILLIAM.

DAVE:

Hey, William, good job you’re not naughty like that isnt’t it?

WILLIAM smirks at LUCY. Lucy raises her eyebrows and pulls a face.

CUT TO

A trolley cuts across his. Too his horror it is KATE who is driving.

KATE looks up and their eyes meet. DAVE looks away guiltily and blushes.

KATE:

Oh sorry ….my fault.

DAVE:

No, ….no I should have been looking where I was going. ….Um ..are you OK?

KATE:

This isn’t a major crash …..nothing …..broken or ..er ….SPILT.

DAVE:

I’m so sorry I ruined your evening. Did you get the flowers?

KATE:

There was no need …really. But, thanks anyway. They were lovely.

[suddenly she smiles]

This is my daughter Chloe ….I didn’t get the chance to mention her last night she’s seven.

DAVE:

And this is my lot. This is Lucy who is 12 and this ruffian is William.

[RUFFLES WILLIAM’S HAIR AS WILLIAM TRIES TO PULL AWAY]

[SPEAKS TO CHLOE]

He’s the same age as you.

CUT TO:

WILLIAM Smiles at CHLOE. She doesn’t smile back, just pokes her tongue out. WILLAIM retreats behind DAVE’s back.

DAVE:

[AWKWARD AGAIN]

Well, must be going. Got to feed these two before they faint with hunger or child welfare get wind of my neglect.

KATE:

[SMILES]

Me too. Chloe’s Dad’s taking her out ….I have to feed her up before he comes else she blackmails me.

[MOCK GLARE AT CHLOE]

WILLIAM smiles shyly at CHLOE again an receives another tongue poke. This time he scowls at her.

DAVE:

Um ….. ….have a nice weekend, well what’s left of it I mean ….nice to er …..see you again. Bye …..

CUT TO:

KATE looks at her watch and breezily replies.

KATE:

Yes, ….see you later. Bye.

They separate their trolleys and set off in different directions. As the diverge, CHLOE sneaks a look at WILLIAM again. This time WILLIAM pokes out his tongue and sticks two fingers up at her. Lucy sees him and whacks him lightly on the head. WILLIAM shouts and tries to kick her.

DAVE:

[WHISPERING FIERCELY]

Stop it ….now!

CUT TO:

DAVE and the children stand in the queue for the checkout. They are standing behind the JOSHY, TOM and the WOMAN.

CUT TO:

DAVE’S POV.

JOSH Furtively picks up the frozen chicken from the trolley. Quickly he raises is up and brings it down on TOM’s head. TOM shrieks with pain and begins to cry. He lands a thump to JOSH’s head. The WOMAN turns only in time to see TOM his JOSH. She screams at TOM.

MOTHER:

Tom, you naughty, naughty boy. Daddy is going to be very, very angry when I tell him

DAVE:

Excuse me. I think you should hear what …..

MOTHER:

What?! ….

D’you mind. I think I know my own children.

DAVE:

But, ….

MOTHER:

[BOTH HER CHILDREN SCREAMING NOW AND PEOPLE LOOKING]: That’s enough thank you. Mind your own business.

DAVE:

Fine. OK. Forget I said anything.

MOTHER:

[BECOMING HYSTERICAL]

I don’t like your tone. …..

Go away!

People around are beginning to stare.

DAVE:

No, ……..I’ll lose my place in the queue.

The WOMAN now breaks down. She sobs into her hands.

CUT TO:

Everyone in the store seems to be staring at him with disapproving looks. He casts his eyes about finally stopping on LUCY and WILLIAM who stand spellbound.

CUT TO:

Background where KATE is standing in another queue. She is watching the events unfold. CHLOE is watching fascinated and when she sees WILLIAM again she pokes out her tongue.

CUT TO:

MANAGERESS of the store approaches quickly and leads away the WOMAN and the screaming kids. There is a murmur of concern by the other customers. The lady at the cash desk glares at DAVE.

CASHIER:

Tut!

DAVE:

What?

CASHIER:

What did you do?

DAVE:

Eh? ….Nothing!

CASHIER:

Exactly!!

..Till’s closed!

You’ll have to go to the next one.

DAVE:

What?!

CASHIER:

This one’s closed.

DAVE:

But I’ve been queuing for ages.

The CASHIER stands up and removes her keys from the drawer.

CASHIER:

Should’ve thought of that before you caused trouble.

CUT TO:

DAVE sits with his friend TIM at a table. Both have pints of beer in front of them.

TIM:

So, DAVE, …tell all

DAVE:

Boy meets girl …takes girl to pub ….throws beer in her lap ….ruins dress …girl goes home.

CUT TO:

DAVE’s POV.

TIM trying not to laugh too loud.

TIM:

God. What did she do?

DAVE:

Got a taxi home.

That is after she walked through everyone in the crowd. It was awful.

TIM:

Why is it always you?

DAVE:

I didn’t plan it!

TIM:

You seem to wind up every woman you meet.

DAVE:

I didn’t tell you about the supermarket.

TIM:

Great! What happened?

DAVE:

This snobby woman with two horrible kids. Her precious little Joshy whacked the older one and then she lost it. Tears and so on.

Had a go at me as if it was my fault.

TIM:

Kids are always hitting each other. Look at my two. Why d’you get involved?

DAVE:

‘Cos Joshy whacked him with a great, big …..

……FROZEN CHICKEN! ……That’s why.

TIM howls with laughter and the other punters begin to look over at them both.

TIM:

Is it the way you speak to them? I mean. You may not know you’re doing it?

DAVE:

What? A primeval signal that only dogs and women hear? A pheromone shower or something else which says I’m a real arse. You should really hate me?

TIM:

Erm,…well …we can only go on history.

DAVE:

Thanks for denying it.

TIM:

Look, I don’t know. I’ve no idea really.

Pint?