A Synopsis of "All the S’s"

ABOUT THE BOOK

100,000 words

All the S’s is a shag-gagging comic novel about the antics of Mel (nice arse) and Jen (top tits) on a mission to seek out all the S’s (and we ain’t just talking sun, sea and sand baby).

When out of the blue a door is slammed shut in Melissa's life (exit Greg ‘can’t keep it in his trousers’ Bilton) an equally unexpected one is flung open (enter Jennifer ‘bessie mate’ Burrows). A riotous adventure packed with Sangria, skinny-dipping and a saucepot called Sam ensues. Despite a few surprises and a nasty shock or two along the way, Mel finds herself on a hysterical journey through friendship and love with, needless to say, sense and sobriety nowhere to be seen.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Miranda Ryan is 27 years old and qualified as a doctor from Kings College Medical School, London in 1997. She currently works as a G.P in south London and has been the resident medical agony aunt for Mizz magazine since April 2000. She lives in Blackheath with her boyfriend Jon, who was both the inspiration and driving force of this book. All the S’s is her first novel.

CONTENTS

Chapter 1. The Big Break (page 1)

Since discovering her boyfriend’s a sticky willy wankpot, Mel Wilson’s life has taken a U bend and gone down the shitter. With a long weekend ahead, and her backside on a one-way collision course with her sofa, she feeling utterly butterly bored and fed up with the world. Her boyfriend-less blanket of gloom is suddenly lifted when a strange email drops into her mailbox. It reads; ‘MISSION: to seek out all the S’s and have a dangerously good time; ESSENTIALS: 1 passport, 1 cool set of shades, 1 obscenely skimpy bikini; ALLIES: Agent Burrows, 2 tall dark mysterious types to be picked up on location; SECRET WEAPONS: my tits, your arse; RENDEZ VOUS: your flat 5pm sharp’. On her doorstep, obscenely late, with no sign of Jen or her Cacharel suitcase, things don’t look good . . . Download the whole chapter below.

Chapter 2. Chicks Away (page 25)

A flat mate with no friends and no life proves to have the odd advantage, as Jen’s already indoors channelling her exasperation on Mel’s rucksack. Some world class grovelling later, all is forgiven, and with Mel orbiting in expectancy and itching to fly away from her shitty life, they’re off. Discovering the secret destination is Spain, Mel dive-bombs back to earth, as sitting in a dodgy theme pub in a naff sombrero hat, slurping warm beer to the ‘Fog on the Tyne’ wasn’t exactly what she had in mind. But with a visa card burning a hole in her pocket, all is soon forgotten - move over Julia Roberts on Rodeo Drive, Mel Wilson just hit Gatwick village.

Chapter 3. Gregless and Legless (page 52)

Back in the bar one hour later and 214 pounds worse off, Mel scrutinizes her purchases. Realizing she doesn’t need 3 new Dior lipsticks or 2 YSL eye shadow combos or a state of the art new watch, guilt sets in. Alcohol being the obvious solution to quell her shame, as well as her thirst after a long hard shop, they hit the bar. Countless G'n'Ts, several home truths, and some harsh banter later, Mel and Jen skip merrily off into the sunset (well gate 36 anyway).

Chapter 4. Gin Demons (page 72)

With spiralling excitement and half a litre of gin coursing through their veins Mel and Jen make an arse-clenching entrance onto flight 726. Things go from dire to disastrous when Mel spots a cascade of chins and pair of sopping armpits crammed in the seat next to hers. But the pot-bellied porker is a burnished beauty compared to the boss-eyed balding midget next to Jen’s. After a liquid dinner and several clumsy passes from the slimy short arse desperate to get to Jen and her lovely pair of personalities, they come to rest on Spanish soil.

Chapter 5. Turn up, Check in, Bomb out (page 99)

Finding themselves in Spain at 10pm on a Friday night, hotel-less and armed only with an out of date Rough Guide, panic erupts and tempers fray. Hungry for some action, they quickly plummet from the ‘money is no object’ band to the ‘skint studentsville’ section of the guidebook. While Jen checks them into what they later discover should have been under ‘B’ for brothel, Mel’s cast adrift in a turbulent sea of desire. Enter Sam, a dreamboat honey with butterscotch skin and a curly bewitching smile. Sadly he gets away without so much as a ‘Hi, I’m Melissa, fancy a shag?’

Chapter 6. Challenge Anarchy (page 129)

They arrive at their room and George (the Spanish equivalent to Benny from crossroads, only fatter) lingers like an eggy trouser trump. Jen forcefully ejects him, but determined to show Mel more than just the Hotel’s facilities, he promises to come back in an hour. Mel’s mood is further dampened when Jen challenges her to a pulling contest (as given her strong l’eau de desperation and Jen’s huge honeydews, she’s far from confident). But the stage is set – and in the red corner in a pair of silken skimpies it’s the Swindonian slapper, whose below-the-belt tactics can get any bloke horizontal, and in the yellow corner, in a pair of soporific cotton-mix briefs, it’s the Norfolk nymph, uncontested champion of knockers out in the first round.

Chapter 7. Streaking Havoc (page 154)

Frantic at the thought of being saddled with George all night, Jen’s not taking any chances - Assignment: DODGE THE PODGE. Looking like Chuck Norris’s stunt double she takes off as if jet propelled, crippled by laughter at a far from super sonic speed, Mel trails after her. A Mel Gibson tumble and a short commando crawl later, Jen’s slithered herself to freedom. Mel on the other hand, is not so lucky. Watched by the scrumptious Sam she inadvertently unveils her under carriage and is then frog marched from the building - perhaps he won’t make it into her photo album nestled between Mr. Minorca and Mr. N. Wales after all.

Chapter 8. Nought To Ten in Under sixty (page 170)

Armed with the guidebook and primed for some serious ass, they head for a local nightspot. Sadly ‘excellent tunes’ = José in the karaoke booth, and ‘army of young revellers’ = one sad old git propping up the bar. Throw in ten speciality vodkas, an Antonio Banderas look-alike, a sizable hurl, and the holiday definitely starts here.

Chapter 9. Out Late On Bad Behaviour (page 204)

Sick of spindly Spanish saplings and hungry for some sterny mature good old English oak, they head for The Crown Tavern. Now 2-0 down on the pulling stakes, Mel’s confidence is given a well-needed boost by Jen’s bedraggled bog brush hair do and strong odour of vomit. But things don’t go according to plan as she ends up being groped by a gangly goth, pulling a cock in corduroy, being blown off by hooray from Hampshire, and to top it all, is nearly gored to death by a herd of handy-looking heifers. Her party hat and dancing shoes are soon reinstated when she catches the scent of ‘super stud muffin, pass the smelling salts’ Sam.

Chapter 10. Tequila Slapper (page 253)

Having done the gin, vodka and beer, it can mean only one thing… tequila time! With no sign of a particular tall handsome sexpot, Mel makes do with Noel, Craig and Jim, three pipe fitters from Newcastle. Realizing she’s had enough dickless wonders that look like they’ve never seen a pair of tits before to last her a lifetime, she sees off the three Geordie tossers in true Melissa style. With Jen off moon- walking backwards to ‘Like A Virgin’, Mel sucks on her drink like her life depends on it, too busy blubbering at the lack of shag stories in her suitcase to notice the pair of familiar dark shadowy eyes upon her. Perhaps that elusive Mr. Spain is destined to darken her door (and squirt on her sheets) after all.

Chapter 11. Nude Awakenings (page 287)

The combo of single and drunk = twice the trouble and double the damage, so when Sam invites Mel for a moonlit swim she’s in there like a randy ferret up a unsuspecting trouser leg. A quick whiz over her pits, a douche down below, and loaded with a good supply of protection (and we ain’t talking Hawaiian Tropic), she’s ready to go. Things are just reaching a nipple-biting climax when Mel’s shagtastic supa deluxe bonk bonanza hits upon a low tide, as Sam seems to have a different kind of breaststroke in mind. With not a single giant sea cucumber in sight, Mel accepts that her only sex on the beach tonight came complete with Morello cherry and promptly passes out.

Chapter 12. B Grade Disaster Floozy (page 314)

With morning breath strong enough to stop an army and armpits reminiscent of a Turkish truckers’ jockstrap, Mel slithers from Sam’s innocent embrace and hoofs it back to the hotel. With every single (and double) unit ebbing depressingly out of her body, she sinks into that morning after mire of bottomless suffering. But despite several thousand brain cells going to a watery grave, the pitiful pageant of her desperation-fuelled lechery soon comes flooding back. 

Chapter 13. Morning After Thrill (page 342)

Despite needing elephant tranquilliser and a galvanized steel ratchet to get into Sam’s Calvin Klein’s now, Mel can’t help celebrating his arrival in her stale sorry excuse of a love life by twirling through the streets like Frauline Maria on E. ‘My loins are aliiiive at the thought of Samuellll’ is tragically interrupted by a certain tall exquisitely dark Adonis-like creature. Despite their reunion having all the pazazz of a soggy fart, Mel forgets Jen’s morning after munchies, and instead heads off on a magical stolen morning with Sam. But while they set off at a slow crawl, Mel’s expectations hurtle off at warp speed into another strata.

Chapter 14. The Great Escape (page 371)

With a scorcher of a date lined up with the meltsome Sam, Mel’s orbiting round the planet Ga Ga, but after leaving Jen exsanguinating in her bed all day without so much as a can of Pepsi or bag of M and M’s for company, she’s got some fast talking to do. Her high spirits hit the deck, her balls of steel close behind as a tornado of deafening abuse hits her. Some emergency skin saving gobshite, a packet of Pringles and king sized Mars bar later, Jen’s hot temper is somewhat cooled, but Mel is left with the wrist-slitting job of waving bye bye to her Spanish shag.

Chapter 15. Re: The Spanner (page 392)

Secretly hoping their intense passion enslaves them to a three-hour romp, Mel heads off towards Sam’s room to blow off their date. When she comes to a dizzy standstill outside his door she knows she’s behaving like a terminally sad bitch, but being sad just feels too good. Slapped by a relay of throaty moans and rasping ‘harder baby’s, she slowly realizes that the man with whom she was supposed to skip off into the sunset and live happily ever after with is shagging the arse of someone else. Drowning in snot and tears she accepts the sorry fact that her life has been turned upside down once again by some twat with a wandering dick.

Chapter 16. Hung, Drawn and Slaughtered (page 400)

In a deadened zombie like state, Mel retraces her steps back to her room. With mushrooming grief and burgeoning tears she tries to cement Sam’s infidelity by pouring forth her painful revelation to Jen, but the trauma seems to have made her mute like that woman from The Piano. Five gins and several fags later, the untangleable web of blackness and despair disperses like a dawn mist, and out come the words ‘he’s beating away at some one else’s beaver!’ Although Mel wants him out of her life as quickly as he slithered into it, Jen has other ideas; no one shits on her best mate, fucks up her holiday, and then saunters off with their kneecaps still intact.

Chapter 17. The Big Blow Out (page 420)

Alcohol works its woozy magic and soon Mel is more than happy to trade her idyllic passion-hazed memories of Sam for whatever nob-shredding plum-crunching carnage Jen has in mind - in Mel’s book ‘hell hath no fury like a woman shat on’ and ‘fuck in haste bleed to death dickless at your leisure’.

Chapter 18. The Verdict, All Rise (page 438)

With Sam gone forever Mel heads for the beach. The river of tears and foamy swell fail to wash away her woes, and despite the tranquillity of twilight and calming rumble of the sea, the words ‘shit’ and ‘gutted’ still best encapsulate how she feels. Her seamless self-indulgent sobs are suddenly interrupted by the tragic tones of one silver-tongued Sam. But despite his features glowing more gorgeous than ever in the Mediterranean moonlight, she’s no sucker for those big chocolaty-brown eyes, and after shooting him down in a blaze of fury, she sees him off with a hail of flying footwear. Before her gloomy thoughts drive her to a cold watery grave, a numbing blanket of sleep smothers her.

Chapter 19. One Door Closes… (page 444)

A bed of sand and roaring wake-up call is what greets Mel’s swollen eyes when they flicker open. With her senses awakened, her soul soothed, and her thoughts as clear as the day, she takes a long hard look at Melissa ‘shaggy pants/crap mate’ Wilson. Not impressed, she vows to slam shut this shitty chapter in her life and move on to a whole new story, i.e. one where she isn’t the same old luckless tart, trudging the same old loveless path, making the same old tired mistakes. As far as ‘All the S‘s’ go, she may not have a sexbomb named Sam in her knickers, but she’s certainly got a smile on her face and some special memories under her belt, so in her book it’s mission accomplished.

Chapter 20. A Sticky End (page 453)

Slurping on a pint in Gatwick, Melissa ‘thinks-with-her-flaps’ Wilson knows she’s come a lot further than Spain and back. Although Sam made her nipples explode with delight and her panties blow off with desire, sorting out her crap job and crappier flat is what’s important to her now. Out of nowhere a bombshell flicks on a propeller in her brain churning everything into chaos and sending her entire case against Sam clattering round her ears. But before she has a chance to throw herself under a passing plane, Jen has one last trick up her sleeve. Perhaps Mr. P. Charming isn’t lost forever after all. Question is, will Mel acquire a set of balls big enough to close the deal?

To download the whole of chapter 1 click here

Hey Nice filthy funny read Just the thing for a Sweaty beach read...........