As a child I was the focus of much negative energy. I will leave it at that for now. I was not beaten physically. Sometimes I wish that I would have been, for the mental effects I have dealt with since are more traumatic it seems.

Around the age of fourteen I started withdrawing from my family and friends. The color black surrounded me. I wore all black clothes and hid from everyone. There was much anger on my heart. Not even my mother could get through to me.

I remember skipping school, smoking and giving up altogether on things that I once cared about. After a period of a year or so this "depression" subsided. I started feeling better again. As the years went by I got back into school had tons of friends, was popular, healthy, was full of love and life.

I was about eighteen or nineteen when I had my next "episode". At the time I was dating a wonderful guy that has been my friend since I was thirteen. He and I dated for two years and during this time I gave up on working, forgot about my friends and myself, quite college and started doing drugs and drinking. This continued for a year.

My car was stolen, my life had no purpose and no meaning. I felt like a big 'nothing'. When nothing else matters to you it is hard to care for those that you should. Cheating on Joe was the final straw. He excepted that and asked me to marry him. I turned him down and did not see him for two years. My life was ruined.

During the next two years I got better again, or so to say. I dated a married man with children. That was a difficult time. I started school for massage therapy and that is where all of my healing began. My life was full again!

Amazingly, I was working and going to school full time. I had tons of friends and was doing wonderful! My grandfather died, my boyfriend of over a year was acting strange, I started drinking heavily. I was forced to carry school, work, take care of myself and my eighty year old granny.

Things were difficult for me, I survived. In my training for massage, I learned about CHAKRAS, REIKI, POLARITY THERAPY, MEDITATION, YOGA. The school was my saving grace. I loved going to school and learning all of the wonderful ways of Alternative Medicine. I had no time for much. I graduated and went to work immediately as a Licensed Massage Therapist.

After six months of working hands on with all types of people, with all kinds of problems, I started going down again. I was slacking in my work. Getting to work late, not caring about myself was the beginning of another "episode". Finally, I met a guy (my fiancé) that I got along with wonderfully. We dated a few weeks, he asked me to marry him, I moved in with him.

We are not married yet...our decision. I took a nose dive from there. No longer working, no longer seeing friends, no longer taking care of my body. I was miserable. We moved to California and I got worse. I did not know anyone or anything. Never left the house or even wrote an email to my mother in Florida.

She began to worry and so did my best friend (Michel). Well, I found a job working as a massage therapist and I quite three weeks later. My energy was at an all time low. I cared for nothing!! Never got up out of bed or even cared to take a shower. I felt like the world outside was spinning and flying by while I sat and watched without being able to participate in "Life".

The time came where I did nothing but think of ways to kill myself. I cried all day long everyday. My fiancé could do nothing to comfort me and made it worse when he tried. (I went home two months before this happened, I was so confused so I went to my granny and mom for support only to return a month later to California)...I was scared to be alone and I wanted to be alone. Those days were the worst...

Then one day the word depression popped into my mind, so I went online and researched. I ended up being 75% major depressed. With no medical insurance I went to the County for assistance. They were great...ARE great!! The doctors diagnosed me and gave me medication to stabilize me. I went to a follow up session with a therapist. She asked me to return for therapy, so I did.

Taking the medication saved me. I stabalized and somewhere deep inside me a voice said, "It is safe to stop taking the meds now." Ok first off, I stopped taking them three weeks after I began!! I still had the crying episodes maybe once a week and I was purging up old old memories of my abuse. The end is not in sight, YET!

Still going to therapy once every two weeks, I get therapy at home as well. The chat rooms of MSN have saved me much much much time and patience. Everyday I get online and I go to the psychic chats or something of that nature. I began this path of my healing, asking people how to get better and if I had it in me to finally kick this depression altogether. The answers were very vague. I kept asking.

I ended up in "spirit guides" chat. There I was reborn. I was told of these spirits that are with you everyday, in all you do. So, someone led me through a meditation to contact mine....To my surprise my GRANDPA, who died two years before, was my guide!!! Then I began asking more questions. The answers somehow appeared in my soul without me needing to search.

Some people say that SHAMANS or medicine men go through a SPIRITUAL AWAKENING, if they are spiritually chosen to be a HEALER, that is. Well, I have always deep inside of me known I wanted to be a SHAMAN. I love to help people with nutritional healing and herbal remedies. This is the path that I chose.

Now, I feel GREAT!! It has been almost three months since I began my therapy. My therapist told me that I was given a gift and for me to enjoy it. This depression is quickly leaving me after it being here for nearly my entire life(22 years). With every step that I take on my path to spiritual healing, I am dealing with all those memories of the past and I am learning to accept them.

Somedays I am weak physically, but I no longer lay in bed and hate my life. I am very creative! I draw, paint, make crafts, help people online who need some guidance. My days start early and end late. I am not emotionally exhausted. My heart feels lighter everyday, my mind gets clearer everyday! With everyday that I make progress I thank the GREAT SPIRIT or Wankan Tanka above! Without the GREAT SPIRIT I would still be living an endless depression or worse...death.