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GUNNY’S
VIEW!
by
Former Master Gunnery Sergeant, USMC, (Rtd)
Milton P. Smith.*
(Milton
P. Smith served in the United States Marine
Corps where he trained as a Combat Journalist.
On leaving the marines he created the Corps of
Marine Trained Debaters, a constructive
anarchist group dedicated to replacing society
with a better alternative. He is now living in
the North of England.)
Attention on deck!
I have been investigating these cases of
so-called Alien Abductions.
Holy Shit! There are some weird people out
there!
So I am going to teach you fucking maggots how
to deal with UFO’s. That is right. I’m
talking about those little green skinned
zipperheads who come down to Mother Earth to
fuck with our shit.
Remember that film, Independence Day? A bunch of
hard core aliens invaded the good old U-S-of-A
and started wasting our major cities.
Zap!...Zap!...Zap! And, in true Hollywood
fashion, we managed to kick ass. And how did we
do it? Get this, ladies. Some twinkle toed pinko
liberal queer scriptwriter came up with this
fucking nerd who defeated them with his Apple
Mac Powerbook. I mean, what other fucking
computer operating system would an alien
intelligence use? It had to be Mac OS 8.5,
right?
Jesus H. Christ!
It’s just lucky those zipperheads weren’t
using Windows 95!
Meanwhile, out in the real world, the real
aliens are pissing on our parade. You ladies had
better understand that we are at war. So what do
these cocksuckers look like? What is the target
profile? Well, we have reports that they are
about four feet tall, with large pear shaped
heads and big, slanted, black eyes. Four feet
tall? I shit turds bigger than that. One
thing’s for sure - these are ugly little
motherfuckers.
For the purposes of identification, we will
classify the enemy as Extra-terrestrial
Zipperheads, or EZ’s. And get this, ladies.
According to eyewitness reports, most of their
UFO’s are saucer shaped. What kind of fucking
spaceship is that? I mean, what sort of slimy
alien slopeheaded cocksuckers fly through space
aboard a fucking Frisbee? Check it out,
sweetheart. A real rocket is shaped like a dick.
So what are these EZ’s doing here?
Intelligence reports indicate the following
Alien Mission Protocols:
1. Random Animal Mutilation
2. Human Abduction - with the aim of conducting
painful and highly personal medical
examinations.
Let’s take the first one. Several strange
cases of animal mutilation have been reported in
Texas. It seems that a bunch of these scroungy
little fucks are coming from outer space and
cutting up cows using some kind of laser device.
Holy-Shit-On-A-Shovel!
Like Gunnery Sergeant Hartman said in Full Metal
Jacket, only steers and queers come from Texas.
And drunks. Which, in my book, does not make the
inhabitants of the Lone Star State the most
reliable of witnesses. On the other hand, maybe
they’re right. Maybe there is a logical
explanation for all this. Maybe these EZ’s are
training to be butchers.
Next we have the human abductions. Here is just
one example: In 1989, a 43 year old
Pennsylvanian chicken farmer called Charles
Perkasky, was abducted on a deserted country
road by a bunch of EZ’s. Taking him into their
UFO, they forced him to lie down on a shiny
metal operating-type table. Then they proceeded
to shove some kind of probe into his anus. The
probe was described as being of a dark grey
plastic material with a pointed end which gave
off a strange orange glow.
“I don’t know what they were trying to
do,” Perkasky told investigators later, “but
it sure as hell cured my haemorrhoids!” (Hey,
Charley! I just hope it was a probe he stuck up
your ass! Know what I mean?)
We also have reports of EZ’s stealing sperm to
use in some sort of gene pool. In other words, I
Was Masturbated By Aliens!...or ET Had His
Finger Up My Crotch! So what do I think? Well,
as far as Mr Perkasky is concerned, I can’t
figure out why a bunch of intellectually
superior beings would travel across the galaxy
just to look up his asshole. Maybe it was worth
it. Maybe they were alien proctologists looking
for the most interesting anal sphincter in the
universe. As for the sexual angle? I can relate
to that. Like sailors everywhere, those EZ’s
occasionally drop anchor at some far distant
port to sample the local pussy.*
So what are their tactical imperatives? For
example, when these EZ’s land on earth, just
who the fuck do they contact?
Politicians?...scientists?...the military?
Bullshit!
These cocksuckers travel millions of light years
just so they can contact Mr and Mrs
John-Fucking-Doe. That is an affirmative. These
dumbasses seek out plain nobodies. They abduct
rednecks and wetbacks. They buzz cops on the
beat and airline pilots. Maybe they even target
welfare cases. So what does that tell you,
ladies? It tells you that these EZ’s do not
belong to any kind of organised and disciplined
military force. They are not marines. They are
not grunts. Because the first thing a grunt
learns, is that quickest way to win a battle is
by destroying the enemy’s Chain of Command.
In my book, any intelligent beings would be
sitting in the White House talking to the Head
Honcho - instead of fucking some chicken farmer
in the ass on a lonely dirt road in
Pennsylvania. So what the fuck are they doing?
Well, maybe these EZ’s are a bunch of
dopeheads. Maybe they’re spaced out, space
cadets. Maybe they’re so busy snorting Martian
coke they don’t know what the fuck day it is.
In other words, this planet is being invaded by
a bunch of substance abusers. In which case, we
won’t need the Marine Corps. All we have to do
is send in an army of drug counsellors.
On the other hand, this could all be part of
some sort of psychological warfare aimed at
disorientating us. If that is so, then just how
smart are these cocksuckers? Well, to answer
that question, let’s take a look at Star Trek.
Don’t get me wrong...I am not a fan of the
show. The only guy on the USS Enterprise with
any balls is Warf. Holy shit! Those Klingons
sure do have a pair. No wonder they walk funny
and grunt a lot. I’d walk funny too, if I had
a couple of brass globes the size of ripe
watermelons dangling between my legs! There it
is.
But, when it comes to technology, Picard and his
crew have really got their shit together. Check
it out. They got replicators...holodecks...warp
speed engines. And all this stuff is necessary
because, according to the story line, the
Enterprise is conducting an ongoing recon
mission. Which means they have to scope out any
planets that come their way. And, if they do
need to visit a planet, they just step into
their transporter and say, “Beam me down,
Scotty!”
Now let’s look at those poor EZ’s. Because
they don’t have a matter transporter, they
have to land the ship the hard way. And when
they get here, they don’t even have a tri-corder.
This is a basic piece of Federation equipment
that is carried by all members of the away team.
It’s simple to use. By pointing it at someone,
you can measure the size of their dick, right
down to distinguishing their individual strands
of DNA! Pretty neat, huh?
So it stands to reason that if they did have
tri-corders, then they wouldn’t need to kidnap
some poor motherfucker and stick a probe up
their ass. All these medical tests could be done
by just using this little gizmo. You get the
picture? We’re told that these EZ’s are
supposed to belong to an advanced civilisation,
yet they can’t even match the technology in a
goddam TV science fiction show! No wonder they
don’t attack us. Those cocksuckers are
probably still using flintlocks!
Personally, I am ready for a Close Encounter of
the Third Kind. In fact, I pray each night for
the Good Lord to send me an EZ. And, if this
motherfucker wants to conduct some sort of
experiment on me, then he’s going to have a
fight on his hands. That’s an affirmative.
Like all ex-marines, I carry my old government
issue 1911A1, .45 calibre Colt Automatic Pistol.
This little baby throws a 230 grain lead slug
through the air at a speed of 860
feet-per-second and has a striking energy of 365
pounds-per-square-foot. In other words, it’ll
blow that little cocksucker’s pear shaped head
clean off his shoulders!
Okay, maggots, let’s get ourselves some
motivation here. What do you do if you find
yourselves abducted by a bunch of EZ’s? You
kick ass. So, repeat after me:
UFO’s come from outer space,
To pick a fight with the human race,
Extra terrestials are easy meat,
Squash them flat right under your feet.
We will send a clear message across the galaxy:
If you land on this planet, then you will have
to deal with the United States Marine Corps.
Marines are hard core dudes. They do not take
shit from anyone - especially not a bunch of
doe-eyed little motherfuckers like you.
Semper fi, do or die! Gung ho, you assholes!
I even heard about a bunch of male abductees who
swore they were forced to have sex with a
seductive alien female. Forced?
Bullshit!
How can you force a guy to have sex? One thing
is sure: they were not marines. A marine will
screw any type of female - terrestrial or
otherwise. |
