Thomas the Tank Engine, the staple diet of any self-respecting 2 year old. Only natural then, that someone might want to make a film out of it. All very well, then, you might think. Except for the fact that we let the Americans at it. The Magic Railroad (you can feel it all ready) has Thomas and friends in a far off magic land, seemingly only accessible to old Burnett Stone, played by Peter Fonda, in perhaps the worst career move since Adolf decided to go into politics. Alec Baldwin is Mr Conductor – no Fat Controller here in the politically correct world of Shining Time.

As the, er, ‘plot’ would have us believe, Lily, played by Mara Wilson, looking pretty gawky, is off to visit her Grandpa, the said Burnett Stone. He lives in Shining Time, a lovely little place nestled in the Indian Valley, in Movie World – you know, one of those places with a non-existent crime rate, where no one goes to the toilet or falls down the stairs. The trains are, as ever, based on the Island of Sodor, linked with Shining Time only through the Magic Railroad.

Mr Conductor is running out of magic dust, and doesn’t know where to find any more, while Burnett Stone is worrying about some old Engine called Lady - that he used to visit Sodor, who bit the dust when he was little – and you thought trying to entertain a 12-year old would be enough work. The plot twist, although not on a Matrix or Sixth Sense scale – and lets face it – me and the other 2 people in the cinema were lost after the opening credit sequence, is that Diesel (not related to him of the Dirty nature) the Engine – the cause of Lady’s mishap, is back in Sodor to wreak revenge on Thomas and his mates. As usual, it’s up to the old guy to face up to his problems, and the little kids to save the day – Thomas and the Magic Railroad is no exception, save for the talking trains and light sequences that look like something from an all-night German rave. All the time, Mr Conductor has been worrying that Sir Topham Hatt (Fat Controller to you and me) has left him the responsibility of looking after the smooth running of the railway system – which, curiously enough, never seems to have any passengers on it.

Thomas and the Magic Railroad, is, in many ways, just your average children’s film – all style and no substance – just in this case lacking the style. Your average child, English at least, would be insulted to be dragged along to watch this. The Thomas legend has been raped and left for dead in a Hollywood back alley, and don’t get me wrong, I’m sure the Americans will love it – they’ve been raised up on an entertainment diet of the OJ Simpson trial and cheap TV movies about Cher’s sex life, but we in Britain are spoilt for choice nowadays, what with the Tweenies and the Teletubbies vying for top spot in the nation’s hearts.

I hate to be negative about films, but, although you don’t want to waste any precious money trying to see it, if you have gone through the Thomas and the Magic Railroad experience, you’ll know it’s hard. I went to see this film with my childhood in one hand, and so many expectations in the other. The one saving grace could have been the Thomas theme tune, but, alas, even that is no more. If there is ONE film you never see…