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ALCHEMIST
PHILOSOPHERS STONE
Copyright ©2001 Robert P. Herbst. All rights
reserved.
We
read today, in the Mount Perry Newspaper and
fish wrap, reports of Mount Perry's world famous
archeologist, Prof. I. Phoundit, finding the
mythical, Alchemist Philosophers Stone. The
report saying he is now running around changing
base metal into gold is completely unfounded.
Everyone knows there is no such thing as the
Alchemist Philosophers Stone. Stories of the
stone were the figment if some ancient writers
imagination. Granted, learned people the world
over have searched in vain for a method of
changing base metal into gold. No one has found
a way yet. This however, does not stop people
from trying.
It
was just the other day when our very own world
famous chemist, Dr. Compound Component, mixed
the last of three chemicals together. He began
boiling it over an open fire. The stuff exploded
and took out his house and everything else in
the neighborhood.
Near
ground zero, a rather tattered and scorched Dr.
Component was heard to say, "WOW! All I did
was mix equal parts of Sulphur, Potassium
Nitrate and ground up charcoal together, over an
open fire, -- who'd have thought this would
happen?"
In
order to obtain a proper perspective on the
situation, the Mount Perry Newspaper and fish
wrap reports these facts about the professor.
Prof. I. Phoundit, is a teacher at the vast
Mount Perry College Of Knowledge, where every
subject under the sun, is taught to the
residents of Mount Perry, Florida for a minimal
fee.
This,
of course, means that Prof. I. Phoundit is paid
only a minimal wage, just like any other
teacher. Up until now, the good professor lived
a normal life, in a normal home, in a very
normal neighborhood. Recently, the good
Professor built himself a brand new, four
million dollar home, complete with swimming
pool, on ten thousand acres of swamp land, part
of which he filled with top soil and he hired a
household staff. All of which he paid for with
pure gold bars.
He
bought himself a forty foot yachet which he
plans to sail on the lake he created. The lake
was created when he dredged up top soil to fill
the part of the swamp on which he built his
house, again paid for with gold bars.
He
purchased seven new
cars, one for each day of the week. He
had them painted in different colors so he could
tell which was for what day. It was the largest
single civilian order the, Mount Perry Cast Iron
Car Manufacturing Company, had ever received for
its Mount Perry Panzer Wagon Mark 2000 or the
Mount Perry King Tiger, as it's called around
here, since first developing the civilian
version of the vehicle. Again paying for the lot
with gold bars.
The
good professor then turned around and bought a
controlling interest in the multi billion
dollar, Mount Perry Cast Iron Car Manufacturing
Company and again paid for the purchase with
gold bars. Once having a controlling interest
his first act was to scale down the Mount Perry
King Tiger's main gun from the military two
hundred eighty millimeter main gun, to a more
manageable civilian caliber of two hundred
seventy five millimeters.
Naturally,
the vehicle still comes with an interesting
selection of high explosive, armor piercing and
anti personal rounds for the gun, but there are
fewer of them than in the military version. The
space thus saved by supplying fewer rounds is
used for the installation of a rear fold down
seat and additional luggage space.
When
asked where all the gold came from the good
professor simply said, "Oh, it's just
something I threw together the other day."
We all know, this does not necessarily mean he
can change base metal into gold, but it does
tend to leave the door open for grounds of
limited suspicion. There is also the claim by
his neighbors of strange colored gasses, odd
flashing lights and vile smells, emanating from
the garage where his laboratory was housed until
his move on up the social ladder. Now, however,
the good doctor has a brand new laboratory, off
deep in the swamp behind his new home. The many
thousand acres of swamp land he now owns, has
been fenced. Few people know what he's doing
there. As the area is fenced with electrified
fencing, those few who dared trespass are still
picking wild dog's teeth out of the last part of
their body to pass over the top of the fence on
their way out. No one has yet managed to get
anywhere near the laboratory.
And
so, armed with the facts in this matter, it's
plain to see there is absolutely no direct
evidence to prove conclusively and beyond any
shadow of a doubt, the Professor can change base
metal into gold. With this, the residents of
Mount Perry are asked by this newspaper, to
disregard any further rumors or claims of gold
making. |
