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Commuter
Survival Guide
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
It's enough to drive you round the bend. It’s
a nightmare on wheels. Constant signal failures,
delays, lame excuses and garbled announcements -
which sound like the train driver has eaten a
sheep underwater. It's not stop stress. Your
blood pressure is high and your whole body
shakes with emotion, even before you reach work.
With over 3 million train passenger journeys
made each day on the London underground alone
that leaves a lot of stressed and fed up people.
However, there is a solution to this constant
misery.
The Commuters Survival Guide. Designed to help
you conquer the never-ending despair you feel
and make travelling by tube a far more
enlightening, educational and fun experience.
Education
Travelling to work could broaden your horizons
and increase your brainpower. A 30-minute train
journey usually takes two hrs. Imagine how much
you could learn if you used that time
constructively.
· Learn new languages. Take a language
book/tape with you. By the time you reach your
destination you will be fluent. You could start
off with the easier languages such as French and
Spanish, moving onto Dutch, Japanese, Maori or
even Serbo-Croat. You can buy tapes and books at
Borders for around £10.
· Talk to the person sitting/standing next to
you. Question them thoroughly about what they do
and learn all kinds of new things. Learning is a
result of communication. By the time you get to
work you may have a completely new outlook on
life.
· Have you ever wanted to read blockbusters
such as War and Peace or Les Miserables, but
never had the time? Your train journey delays
will give you the extra time to finish them.
Job Opportunities
Use the delays to network. Why waste your time
looking for new employment in the papers. Ask
the person next to you about what they do. If
it's interesting and they have any power, ask
them for a job.
Inteview Practice
If you have an interview, remember to leave an
extra 3-4 hrs for train failures. You may be
feeling nervous. Fear not. Use your train
journey as a practice interview. Ask everyone in
your carriage if they know about the company you
are visiting. If so, bombard them with
questions. You may learn an extra nugget of
information which could clinch the job. Ask
someone on the train to interview you. That
extra preparation will help raise your
confidence and iron out any inconsistencies.
Save money
The train prices are exorbitant, they are often
late or don’t turn up at all. The heat, bad
breath, smells, not being able to move and
getting stuck in tunnels. At least in some third
world countries they have the privilege of
sitting on top when it’s too full inside.
But, There is a way to reap back the cost of
your travel!
With over 3 million people travelling daily by
tube, there's bound to be someone who can offer
you their services - lawyers, doctors,
alternative therapists, accountants, the list is
endless. Think of the underground as the
alternative yellow pages. Just shout out what
service you need, befriend the person and get
some free advice/consultation on anything you
want to know.
Lose weight
Forget the gym. Travelling by tube is the
perfect way to keep trim. With useless air
conditioning and being squashed like a sardine,
you will easily sweat those pounds away. You
will therefore save money and no longer need to
go to the gym.
Running for a seat will also help keep you fit.
As they are few and far between, you will have
to make a mad dash if you are to be successful
in your mission. For extra weight loss, go in
the rush hour. Tip: a sure-fire way to get your
seat is to volley your bag onto it and claim
what is rightfully yours.
Train Dating
Are you still waiting to meet the person of your
dreams? Have you tried countless dating
agencies, been on blind dates but are still
alone? Well, look no further. Train dating could
be the next big thing.
What better opportunity could you have of
meeting so many people from all walks of life.
If you spot a good-looking chap or beautiful
woman, catch their eye and approach them.
Talk to them about the train delay you're
experiencing - this is instantly common ground.
Once you are relaxed, move onto more serious
subjects such as their name, age and
availability.
You've got nothing to lose. You could be meeting
your future husband/wife. As one of three
million tube travellers you will be spoilt for
choice. It happened to Celia Johnson and Trevor
Howard, in Brief Encounter, it can happen to you
too.
Lavender
The therapeutic value of essential oils has been
recognised for hundreds of years.
They can combat a wide variety of ailments, such
as high blood pressure, headaches, infections
and stress.
To make your hectic journey more relaxing, buy
some lavender oil and put a few drops on yours
and other people's seat. Known for its calming
and healing properties it will make your journey
far more relaxing. Commuters may even start to
smile at you on the train, instead of being
grumpy.
Excuses
We've all heard them: wrong kind of track,
leaves and weather. Gypsies, sheep and cows on
the line. Tracks have expanded/constricted.
Driver is late. Not enough tea making
facilities.
What next? Make use of those extra hours on the
train and write some original excuses for the
underground. Send in your recommendations and
demand payment for your efforts.
Examples could include:
The pattern of the seat covers is wrong
The driver sneezed and has gone to lie down
We are cancelling this train because the man in
the blue jacket on the platform has lovely blue
eyes and the driver wants to chat him up.
The driver is going through a mid life crisis
and thinks he’s Thomas The Tank Engine
Separate Train carriages
The train journey is stressful enough. This is
heightened by many kinds of weird species that
use the service such as:
Football hooligans
Commuters who talk really loudly
Mobile phone users who display their whole life
story over the phone
People with irritating mobile phone rings
People who play their walkmans so loudly your
eardrums almost burst
Those who read over your shoulder so as they are
almost on intimate terms with you
People whom almost squash you to death when they
sit next to you
Smelly people - especially garlic lovers
People who try and get on the train, even though
there’s no room for a fly
People who shove and push you with their elbows,
bags, rucksaks..
All these people should be put into a separate
carriage. Making a stressful journey slightly
more tolerable. Think of some more ideas and add
them to this list.
And finally. Why not re-write the customer
charter, have hours of fun and tell the world
how commuting really is:
Re-write the customer charter
Current version
"London Underground aims to deliver the
best possible service for all its customers. You
want a quick, frequent and reliable train
service, a safe clean and welcoming station
environment with up-to-date information and
helpful, courteous staff. This means a
continuous demanding programme of improvements
to meet rising expectations"
New Version
"London Underground aims to deliver you the
most stressful and hellish journey to work. You
will get an unreliable, overcrowded, smelly and
sweaty service. In addition, we promise -
inadequate announcements when delays occur,
constant signal failures, never-ending and
unique excuses and a whole assortment of other
problems. Other bonuses include expensive
tickets and price rises each year. We promise to
deliver." |
