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The
Driving Test
The
driving test – such an innocent little word,
yet for many people it probably makes them feel
sick and conjures up a world of nightmares and
insecurity. That one little word will create the
ultimate freedom, your life will change
overnight. Now all you need to do is pass your
test, what could be easier?
You’ve spent weeks on end living, breathing,
eating and dreaming driving lessons, you can
even taste them. Your instructor has decided
that now that you are no longer crashing onto
parked cars and knocking over old ladies, you
are ready to take your test.
Everywhere you go, you take your highway code.
On the bus you start to talk out loud, repeating
the rules over and over again until you begin to
have nightmares about being eaten by a traffic
light. You try to hide the date of your driving
test but your mum forces it out of you!
D-day arrives. The sun is shining, until you
open the front door. It starts to thunder and
pour with torrential rain.
Arriving at the centre and are told to sit in a
small office. The walls seem like they are
moving in, closer and closer. You can hardly
breathe. All the victims waiting for the test
all look like they are about to be executed. No
one makes eye contact or says a word, until one
guy catches your eye. From then on there is no
stopping him. He rambles on and on and on
telling you that this is his tenth test. He goes
on to tell you that Mr Jones is the instructor
from hell as he fails everyone.
Mr boring is then interrupted by your name being
called out, and guess who your test instructor
is? It’s Mr “hell” Jones!!!!
The music from The Omen starts to play in your
head, coincidentally; he even looks like Damien,
with little pointy ears and piercing, evil
eyes..
You step outside to be greeted with a large
cheer and singing; it’s your family and
friends. Oh my god! What the hell are they doing
here? You wait for the ground to open up and
swallow you, this doesn’t happen. So you
pretend that you have never seen them before and
make out that they are crazy people. You try to
start a conversation to divert him away from
your embarrassing family, but Mr Omen ignores
you. Right, if that’s how he wants to play it
then this is war!
You get into the car, do all the usual checks,
mirror, signal, manoeuvre. You make a big
performance of putting on your seatbelt, so as
to make it very obvious to Omen that you are a
responsible driver. He must have got out of the
wrong side of bed this morning, that is, if he
sleeps at all. Maybe he’s a vampire, which
would of course explain why he has large pointed
teeth. The again, vampires only come out at
night…
You turn on the ignition and the car refuses to
start. You panic, oh my god this can’t be
happening! You are about to swear, you stop just
in time and smile sweetly at the Devil, trying
to cover up your almost swearing marathon. You
try again and the car revs into action. You are
tempted to put your foot down on the
accelerator, but you resist, you can do that
once you’ve passed your test.
“Turn left” Mr Omen demands (he doesn’t
even say please, how rude!)
The following will happen (delete as necessary)
· You switch the windscreen wipers on instead
of signalling
· You push the signa indicator so hard that it
breaks (you were nervous)
· You turn right instead of left (or vice
versa)
· You ask if you can put the radio on to relax
· You see someone you recognise and start to
wave and shout
· You ask if you can do a detour to visit your
granny
· You ask him if he has watched The Omen
Your mind begins to wander and you start to
think about Big Brother (I wonder who’s going
to win…) Maybe Omen is watching it too. If he
was on there he’d get voted out immediately.
You’re so distracted, that you almost crash.
You do an emergency stop and avert disaster. You
are proud of you quick reflex action and wait
for Omen to congratulate you, he doesn’t.
He’s not amused. This man must have been born
without the capability to smile, even his frown
lines are frowning. Oh, of course that’s why
he’s a driving instructor.
“I’d like you to pull over here and reverse
around the corner” Damn it, You didn’t want
him to ask you that as being so small you can
hardly see out of the window
One of the following will happen
· You can’t see out of the window because you
forgot to bring your cushion
· You forget to put the car in reverse and
almost knock someone over
· Your neck locks when you turn round to see
behind you
· You suffer from temporary amnesia and forget
how to reverse
· You notice that the back window is dirty and
offer to clean it
· A runaway donkey obstructs the car
The test has finished. What a shame, its been so
much fun, in fact, it hasn’t gone too badly
has it, only one or two minor incidents.
You’re feeling rather confident and even
invite the driving instructor to your after test
party. Omen looks at you with an evil
spine-chilling smirk. In your head, that music
starts to play again.
At that moment, you know and he knows whats
going to happen next. He turns to you and tells
you with a false smile that he is sorry but you
have failed on just about everything. In fact,
you are the worst driver he has ever come across
in his 40-year career. (Secretly you reckon that
he’s been a driving instructor for a lot
longer than that, after all he’s the devil)
You look at him and it suddenly dawns on you.
He’s jealous of your good looks and charm.
That’s why he has failed you. You decide you
have nothing to lose and ask him if he has ever
watched The Omen. |
