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A
short excerpt from "How to Survive the
Airlines"
You
think that you are important? Believe me, that
is not how you are seen by the airlines. The
airlines must make absolutely sure that every
person who so much as sets foot upon the
hallowed soil of an airport behaves in an
entirely controlled and predictable fashion.
Although this is claimed to be for reasons of
safety, the underlying reason is the fact that a
predictable human is easier to handle than an
unpredictable one.
From
the moment you drive onto airport territory you
are channeled into a clearly defined pattern of
behaviour. You are confronted with signs
instructing you not to stop, where you may or
may not park, how fast you may drive and so on.
As you progress through the airport, from the
car park and subsequently to the check-in desk,
you will imperceptibly be conditioned into the
required thinking pattern.
Domestic
Departures This Way, Smoking in This Area Only,
Do Not Leave Your
Baggage Unattended, Queue This Side Only. By the
time you eventually check in for your flight,
you will be totally under our control. You will
react correctly to proper stimuli, you will do
exactly what we tell you and you will move only
when we instruct you to do so. We will deal at a
later stage with the subject of delays but for
the moment, just understand that when we tell
you that your flight will not be leaving as
planned, you will sit quietly and behave. You
will do this because you have been conditioned.
Some
of you may react in an entirely inappropriate
manner and complain or commit some other act of
unspeakable rudeness. We are able to handle such
situations. We have been trained in the art of
exhibiting the superiority and aloofness
associated with our profession. We will make you
feel like a troublemaker. Other passengers will
look at you and make disapproving noises.
Eventually, we will feed you some totally
misleading fairytale, which will allow you to
admit defeat without losing too much credibility
with your fellow travellers. Our expertise at
dealing with this type of situation is such that
you will actually believe that you have achieved
a moral victory. We will permit you those
erroneous but comforting thoughts because, at
the end of the day, your departure is still
delayed. You have achieved absolutely nothing.
As
the mood takes us, we will ask you embarrassing
and personal questions about your luggage. We
will enquire as to whether you packed it
yourself whilst giving the impression that we do
not think you capable of doing so. Any attempt
at humour on your part will attract an icy
stare. We receive intensive training in such
stares and are expert at it. Do not attempt to
return fire. You will suffer an ignominious
defeat. We will make embarrassing enquiries as
to the contents of your carry-on baggage. We
expect you to read the card, which we will show
you, and we will show an entirely justifiable
impatience at the inadequacy of your reading
ability. You are expected to know which items
are required to be packed in hand baggage and
which should be packed in baggage which is to be
checked in.
You
should not expect sympathy when we make you
wrestle with heavy suitcases in order to swap
items from one case to another. Obviously, you
will be forced to do this right where you stand
in the queue. This will permit the people
standing in the line behind you to examine the
poor quality of the clothing in your luggage.
They will whisper amongst themselves, commenting
on the contents of your case.
By
the time we condescend to accept you as a
passenger, you will be totally demoralised and
ready to accept whatever instruction we may
choose to give you. You are now almost ready to
progress to the next major stage of your
association with us. No, not boarding the
aircraft. Not yet. You will now be sent to the
Departure Lounge.
Please
now proceed immediately to Section 2. Do not ask
any airport official how to get there. It is
signposted.
Welcome to Section 2 and congratulations on
finding your way here. This proves conclusively
that the conditioning is starting to work. This
is the Departure Lounge. Our skilled staff have
already noted which of you are smokers. The fact
that you are now waiting in an area where no
smoking is allowed is not accidental. This
further demonstrates to you that it is we who
are in control. We are not prepared to allow you
the comfort of a cigarette whilst we make you
wait here. Additionally, we have surrounded you
with irritating children and the accoutrements
of child travellers. We refer, of course to the
profusion of folding pushchairs and toys that
make an infuriating noise.
You
will notice that there are drinks on sale. We,
because of our infinite superiority, refer to
these as beverages. The beverage you purchase
will be sold to you at a grossly inflated price
and dependent on how we feel at the time will be
either scalding hot or stone cold. It will be
served in a plastic cup because we do not trust
you with anything breakable. In any event, as
soon as you have carried the cup back to your
seat, we will require you to move to a totally
different area of the lounge. This will entail
disposal of the cup because you will have your
hands full just carrying the assorted rubbish
which people like you insist on carrying as
cabin baggage.
Whilst
you have your hands full, we will have noted
which of you appear to have easy access to your
travel documents. If your boarding card is
visible, for instance, in your shirt pocket, we
will ask to examine your passport. If you seem
to have easy access to your passport, we will
require the production of your boarding card.
When you put your silly camera case on the floor
to search for the document, you will be
admonished for obstructing the passageway.
From
time to time we will make vague announcements.
This procedure is intended to make you stop any
idle chatter and pay attention. Occasionally, we
may give you cause to assume that something is
about to happen. If you are foolish enough to
approach the departure gate, we will wait until
an orderly queue has formed then you will be
sent back to your seats. As soon as you are
settled again, another announcement making a
reference to your flight number will have you
surging towards the gate. Do not allow yourself
to become over excited. You will simply be
waiting at the gate instead of in the seating
area.
During
this time, you may observe members of our staff
talking into a device similar to a mobile phone.
This has nothing whatsoever to do with your
flight. Our staff are allowed to talk to each
other during working hours. When it has been
decided that you have been well enough behaved,
you will be allowed to pass through the gate one
at a time. We will carefully examine your
passports and boarding cards. If you are one of
those people who travel in inappropriate tee
shirts and Bermuda shorts we will make you wait
until last. If you are foolish enough to wear
sunglasses and a baseball cap worn backwards, we
may not even allow you to pass the gate at all.
It just depends on how we feel.
As
soon as you pass through the gate, you will find
that you are confined in an even smaller area,
this time without seating. We will confine you
in this area until we are ready to transport you
to the aircraft. During this time, we will make
further announcements concerning mobile phones
and so on. You will hear references to
‘your’ flight and ‘your’ aircraft. Do
not be fooled. It is ‘our’ flight and
‘our’ aircraft and don’t you forget it.
The good news, however, is that you are now
almost ready to be allowed to board our
aircraft. The bad news is that as you will be
entering an aircraft movement area, we have to
be absolutely certain that you will behave in an
appropriate manner. We will confine you in the
small departure area and lower the temperature
to just above freezing to ensure this. When you
are suitably subdued and the tee shirted,
Bermuda shorted ones have reached the required
state of hypothermia, we will summon the bus to
the door. You are about to reach Section three.
Section Three
Whilst you anxiously await the arrival of the
transport to our aircraft, you may be interested
to know the meaning of several of the technical
terms which we airline people use. For example,
the phrase “ Short delay” can indicate any
time span from thirty minutes up to and
including three hours. We will prevent you from
making plans to occupy your children during this
time by making announcements, which will
indicate that your departure may be imminent.
The term “Indefinite delay” may be taken to
mean a period of between three hours and seven
days. In accordance with our Company Policy,
otherwise known as our Mission Statement, we
will try to explain the cause of the delay in
non-technical language that you lesser beings
can easily understand. “Technical
considerations affecting the inbound aircraft”
means that some fairly vital part of the
aircraft has broken and it has not been able to
return from whatever outlandish holiday
hell-hole it was supposed to be returning from.
It might also mean that the crew was unable to
find the airfield or even just preferred to land
somewhere else without telling anyone. The
bottom line as far as you are concerned is that
you will not be departing on time. Live with it.
There is absolutely nothing that you can do
about it. On the other hand, “Air Traffic
saturation” means that we are denying all
liability for the delay and blaming it on people
who are immune to criticism from you or anyone
else. You should accept that we will do our best
to get you to your destination (or an
alternative destination, acceptable to us) as
soon as possible. Regrettably, if we fail to do
so, we will have to refund some of your money
and we have probably already spent most of it.
You
will notice that the bus has now arrived at the
door. In a short while, we will allow you to
board the bus. At least we will allow some of
you to board the bus. We will ensure that those
people who are standing furthest from the door
are called forward first. That will sort out all
the eager beavers who pushed to the front when
you were called to the gate. The bus will depart
and some of you will be surprised to note that
it is only about half full. A second, much
smaller bus will arrive to transport the rest of
you to the aircraft. Obviously, there will not
be enough seats and many of you will have to
stand. We will arrange for an even distribution
of the aforementioned irritating children
throughout the bus so that everyone is equally
annoyed. The bus will appear to drive the long
way around the airfield. This is because we do
not tell the driver exactly where the aircraft
is parked. We have a responsibility to our
shareholders to take adequate precautions agaiinst
terrorism and understandably, the fewer people
who know the location of the aircraft, the
better.
When
you eventually arrive at the aircraft, we will
prevent you from leaving the bus until we are
good and ready. You will observe several people
wearing luminous jackets walking around. These
are important people who are carrying out
functions that you will not comprehend. When we
allow you to get off the bus, be careful to obey
to the letter all instructions given to you by
any person wearing a luminous jacket. In the
event of conflicting instructions being issued,
obey the last one. Do not, under any
circumstance, attempt to look inside the engine.
Only pilots and qualified engineers are
permitted to do this. Climb the stairs
carefully, avoiding any undue scuffing of your
feet. The stairs are expensive, delicate items
and are easily damaged. You will be met at the
aircraft door by a Flight Attendant. He or she
will welcome you with a warm smile. Do not
assume that the smile conveys a genuine pleasure
at having you on board. The smile disguises a
careful assessment of all passengers. They are
carrying out an initial screening for potential
troublemakers.
Your
boarding card will be examined again to ensure
that you have not defaced it in any way and you
will be told exactly where your allocated seat
may be found. Memorise the information and do
your best to locate your seat first time. When
you find it, look above your head and you may
find an overhead locker. Place all items which
you may require during the flight in this
locker. Do not attempt to close the door.
Closing this door is a function which may be
carried out only by a fully trained Flight
Attendant. If you are unable to stow all of your
cabin baggage in the locker, you are at liberty
to remove any item not belonging to you and
place it on the floor. Fighting resultant from
such actions will result in the ejection of both
pugilists from the aircraft, leaving room for
other people to stow their own stuff.
Having
disposed of your luggage, sit down and remain
still. Do not practice reclining the seats and
leave the brochures in the seat pocket alone.
You will be told exactly when to read them. The
blinds on the windows will be either up or down
depending on the time of day and on how we feel.
Leave them alone. You are not qualified to
operate blinds.
If
you are sitting still and behaving in a proper
manner we may now proceed to the next section. |
